Earlier this summer, the Sentier team gathered at the House of HeART in St. Paul for our annual overnight. This year’s special guest was coach and consultant Dr. Jennifer Engler, who specializes in using the Clifton Strengths Assessment with individuals and teams to help them better understand their individual strengths and how they operate in different environments, including the workplace.

In her training, Dr. Engler spoke to the Sentier team about how we can individually and collectively function more harmoniously by utilizing our strengths and understanding and appreciating the strengths of our team members.

The Clifton Strengths Assessment is part of a strengths philosophy within the field of Positive Psychology. Before our gathering, each member of the team completed the assessment to identify our top five themes from a list of 34 total themes.

Some of these themes include Achiever, Intellection, Developer, Empathy, and Relator.

Each of these themes also fits into one of four domains of leadership strength – Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building, and Strategic Thinking.

Below is a chart showing all of the themes that came up for our team and how many people shared those themes.

Perhaps it’s not surprising that this room full of therapists had a majority of our themes in the “Relationship Building” domains, with the number one most common theme by far being “Empathy”!

With Dr. Engler’s help, we were able to look more deeply at how we each landed in the strengths framework and how our strengths play into how we show up at our jobs. It was particularly helpful to connect with others who operate under similar themes to share what they look like in our lives and see how they may present differently for others.

Putting names to certain characteristics of ours helped the team appreciate parts of who we are or things that we do that we may not have recognized as a strength. “I was encouraged by the takeaway that just because something comes easy to me and is a strength of mine, doesn’t mean it comes easy for everyone else,” says Sentier therapist Tana Welter.

It is important to remember that not having a high score in a particular theme doesn’t mean you don’t have that strength at all – it just means that you are perhaps better at some other things. Having an understanding of where we naturally flow in our strengths can help us dive deeper into how to thrive and grow through our challenges. “It was fun to learn how to leverage my biggest strengths to carry me through areas that I find difficult,” remembers Sentier therapist and clinic owner Megan Sigmon-Olsen.

Dr. Engler emphasized that while it is helpful to highling each other’s strengths, we should be careful not to reduce ourselves or one another to our top strengths. Knowing someone’s particular strength doesn’t mean that if it’s not one of your top strengths, certain tasks can be offloaded to them. If everyone only did things that were easy, we wouldn’t grow individually or as a team.

Dr. Engler’s workshop was informative, empowering, and a great lens through which to appreciate and affirm our team’s strengths. “It helped me better understand my own areas of strengths, but also those of my coworkers, which helps us to relate better and work more efficiently together,” reflects Welter.

Dr. Engler and Sentier therapist Bridgett Brye at the team Strengths training.

A few weeks later, at a team meeting, we returned to the strengths mindset by each answering the following questions, which are part of the Strengths Manifesto. With these questions, the team was able to better understand how to support one another.

1. You get the best of me when…
2. You get the worst of me when…
3. You can count on me to…
4. What I need from you is…

How would you answer the questions? Trying reflecting on them together with a friend or partner!

Blog written by Sentier’s Client Care Coordinator, Ellie Struewing

“Nooooo, I don’t wanna!” screams your child at 7:00 am, or in the middle of the grocery store, or while getting ready for bed.

This sort of outburst is a common situation most parents of toddlers must manage a handful of times in a day. In fact, according to Dr. Michael Potegal, Ph.D., a psychologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota who researches tantrums, roughly 85 percent of 2- and 3-year-olds have tantrums (nytimes.com).

As toddlers develop language skills and learn to communicate their experiences to caregivers, they are also learning how sharing emotions can be a way of getting their needs met. Parents of toddlers who have frequent tantrums may at times feel like screaming from the rooftop: “Help, what do I do?; “Is this normal?”; “Do others think my child is terrible?”; “Am I doing something wrong?”.

There is hope! Paris Goodyear Brown, the creator of TraumaPlay, developed what is referred to as the SOOTHE Skill to help parents approach their child during these difficult times (Goodyear-Brown, 2021).

What is the SOOTHE Skill?

S – Soft tone of voice

Approaching your child with a soft tone of voice and a relaxed face might not be easy when they are in the midst of a temper tantrum, but staying calm and grounded will help them do the same. This allows you to “borrow” your calm body to your child. Breathe and then approach!

O – Organize the child’s experience

As a parent, it may feel like you are living in constant chaos no matter how hard you try. But helping your child organize their internal and external environments can be fun!–no promises here, of course.

Organizing could look like creating a board game for your child to visualize and help them work their way through their morning routine. It could also look like dedicating time with your child to prepare for a new experience so they can feel more organized leading into it. If your child is starting a new sport and appears unsure, have them try on their outfit and wear it around the house or look up fun videos to help explain the rules of the game.

The list of possibilities goes on and on. There is power in predicting and planning with children.

O – Offer choices

Offer choices simply means that you are helping your child feel less overwhelmed by limiting the options. Try using the statement, “You can choose to _____, or I can help you to do it,” or “You can choose to ____, or ____”. Utilize the first statement when trying to build trust with your child and the second statement when trying to encourage your child to choose their own positive outcomes.

T – Touch or togetherness

Physical contact or touch again allows you to “borrow” your regulated body to your child. Just like how adults may sometimes want a hug when they hear sad news, children may also need a comforting touch when they are dysregulated. This might look like placing your hand on your child’s back or asking if they want a hug.

Your child might also display a need for some physical space. You can still provide that sense of support by sitting near your child and letting them know you will be there when they are ready.

H – Hear what the underlying concern is

Hearing the underlying concern or anxiety means trying to look beneath the surface of the “NO!”

Is your child saying no because he is nervous for the task placed before him? Is your child unsure of how to begin? Does your child need choices? Try to understand where your child is at and name that feeling with them.

E – End and Let Go

Finally, end and let go! Once you and your child have weathered the storm, sit with your child and continue to comfort. Read a book together, listen to a soothing song. This is not the time to enforce consequences as your child is likely to become dysregulated again after feeling such intense emotions. Rather, let your child continue to return to their calm state at their own pace.

Don’t forget to breathe along the way, as parental regulation is a critical part of the SOOTHE skill.

What not to do during a tantrum

Engage, don’t enrage is a catchy phrase to remember in high-stress situations.

Sometimes when we are at our max capacity for dealing with our toddler’s emotions, we fall into the trap that is command and demand (Siegel & Payne Bryson, 2011). We might respond with “I said no!” and expect the child to listen. However, we have just activated our child’s “downstairs brain” which houses his strong emotions and fight or flight responses thereby causing him to experience big emotions again. Instead of a command or demand:

• Help your child expand their emotional vocabulary by sportscasting using feeling words: “You are mad!” If your child says they are not mad, accept this boundary as they are learning about themselves.
• Ask your child questions to figure out what made them upset.
• Work together to brainstorm a solution that appeases you both.
• Utilize the SOOTHE skills.

It is important to remember that your child’s brain is experiencing a time of major construction. Our “upstairs brain”, which is not fully developed until we are in our mid-20’s, is where our decision-making, empathy, and ability to control our emotions and body are housed.

Working together with your toddler during difficult times helps them develop and form their upstairs brain. Our brain is a muscle and just like any other muscle, the more we exercise or lift those dreadful weights the stronger our muscles become (Siegel & Payne Bryson, 2011).

It is worth noting that if a child is experiencing excessive tantrums  (five to ten tantrums a day that last longer than 10 minutes resulting in elevated aggression and destruction), parents should consider reaching out for professional help (nytimes.com). Seeking professional help does not mean that you have failed as a parent or admitted defeat!

The SOOTHE skills coupled with the principle engage, don’t enrage may help you as a parent feel like you are heading into a day with your child with flowers as a peace offering rather than geared up from head to toe in clunky and uncomfortable body armor. Remember that your child is learning how to feel feelings and ask for help when they have overwhelming emotions and need parental support with that process to help facilitate the development of emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills.

Did you try the SOOTHE Skill? How did it go for you?

Blog written by Sentier therapist, Bridgett Brye, MSW.

References:

• Goodyear-Brown, P. (2021). Parents as Partners. The Guilford Press.
• Siegel, D; Payne Bryson, T. (2011). Whole Brain Child.

The Problem with Appearance-Based Compliments

It is common to compliment someone’s appearance. Think of how often you are at a social gathering and hear something like, “Oooo you lost weight!”

Even if they are meant to be kind, appearance related comments can be quite harmful. You may be inadvertently complimenting a symptom of a mental health diagnosis (such as an eating disorder) or medical issue, or the impact of grief.

Research shows that people who consistently receive appearance-based compliments begin to see themselves as an object and attach their self worth to their appearance.

A person’s physical appearance is the least interesting thing about them. It is much more meaningful and personal to compliment other aspects of a person.

Examples of compliments that aren’t about appearance:

1. You light up the room!
2. I am proud of you for ______
3. You are easy to talk to.
4. I admire your ______
5. Thanks for being there for me.
6. You are so funny!
7. You are talented at ______
8. I feel like I can be myself around you!
9. I enjoy spending time with you!
10. You are so creative!

What are your favorite compliments (to give OR receive) that are not related to appearance?

Blog written by Sentier therapist, Andrea Schroeder, MS, LPCC

“Misgendering” is intentionally or unintentionally referring to a person, relating to a person, or using language to describe a person that doesn’t align with their affirmed gender. Referring to someone using their incorrect pronouns is an example of misgendering.

Folks in the LGBTQIA+ community already experience mental health issues at higher rates and not having their correct pronouns used, and by extension not having their gender identity affirmed and encouraged, can have negative impacts on their well-being that contribute to those mental health outcomes.

Even the most well-intentioned friends, family members, colleagues, (and even therapists!) can misgender someone without meaning to and that doesn’t make them a bad person. To be clear, purposefully using incorrect pronouns is highly disrespectful and an active denial of someone’s gender identity.

Oftentimes, however, misgendering is entirely unintentional and the person misgendering does in fact respect and affirm the identity of the person they have accidentally misgendered.

Assumptions about Gender

We have been conditioned to assume the existence of the gender binary and that leads us to make lightning fast assumptions about people at first glance even though someone’s gender should never be assumed.

Even if you understand the harm of that binary and actively work to unlearn it, chances are you are going to use the wrong pronouns when talking to or about someone at some point, whether it’s someone you just met, a friend who recently started using different pronouns, or even a close friend or relative whose pronouns you have known for a long time.

In case you misgender someone either directly or to other people, here are some things to keep in mind:

DO take responsibility but DON’T make it all about you.

The more dysregulation and distress that you display at having misgendered someone, the less space there is for them to feel the impact of what happened and ask for the care that they need in that moment. You may be having strong feelings about what happened such as guilt, embarrassment, or fear, but you can process those later without making them the responsibility of the person you misgendered to deal with in the moment.

DON’T make excuses.

Comments like “I just don’t understand this” or “I’m trying my best but it’s really hard to remember” are dismissive of the impact you’ve made and unhelpful for the person being misgendered to feel safe or comfortable. Resist the urge to become defensive about how you promise you are a good person even though you have just misgendered someone.

DO quickly correct and move on.

Repeatedly apologizing often leads to the person who was hurt by being misgendered to take on the role of caretaker by assuring the person who misgendered them that it’s okay. To avoid that, best reaction to misgendering is often a quick correction. That can sound as simple as “he–I mean she–went to…”

When misgendering someone while in a group or when they are not present, a quick correction is much more respectful than bringing your own feelings into the situation or trying to speak for the person who you have misgendered. If the person is present, this leaves the option for them to clarify more about their pronouns to the group or not to say anything at all depending one what they are comfortable with.

DO repair when needed but DON’T force conversation.

Depending on the situation, you may need to take a longer moment to apologize. If you sense that the person is feeling hurt and needs support, find a moment alone to validate their reaction and feelings about the situation, let them know that you care about them and their gender identity, and ask if there is anything they need or if there is anything you can do to help them feel more comfortable either in that moment or in the future.

That being said, don’t force this conversation as the person may not want to talk about it further and they don’t owe you a bigger conversation about their gender identity or pronouns.

DO be mindful of the person’s comfort level with conversation around pronouns.

Continuing to talk about and apologize for what happened, either to the person you misgendered or to the person/people you misgendered them to, may bring more attention to the situation than the person who was misgendered feels comfortable with. Be aware that someone’s pronouns may be a topic that they don’t want to be discussed openly unless they are bringing it up themselves.

DO ask people’s pronouns when you’re unsure.

You should never assume someone’s gender identity or pronouns and asking them directly when you meet them is a great way to avoid misgendering them in the future.

There may be a tendency to defer to gender-neutral pronouns (they/them) when talking to or about someone who’s pronouns you are unsure of. Sometimes this is perfectly fine and the person can correct you if needed. Other times it may cause hurt if the person does not identify with they/them pronouns.

Some folks would rather be misgendered with gender-neutral pronouns (they/them) than gendered pronouns (he/him, she/her) but others don’t appreciate others using gender neutral pronouns for them if it’s not how they identify.

Regardless of whether they don’t mind the mistake or have a strong negative reaction, the important thing is to repair if needed and listen deeply to the person when they tell you their pronouns to avoid making a mistake in the future.

In conclusion, there is no one way to respond to misgendering. Reading the situation will allow you to decide the best course of action for responding and repairing.

It is important not to let the fear of making mistakes like misgendering stop you from interacting with, working with, or engaging with people. You will probably misgender someone at some point that is okay. Your responsibility isn’t to be perfect, but to help the person feel respected, even when mistakes happen.

Respecting people’s gender identity is more than just saying their correct pronouns out loud. It’s about internalizing what they mean and taking the time to see and appreciate the person for who they are.

What gets in the way of you responding in one of the “right” ways when you misgender someone?

Blog written by Ellie Struewing, Client Care Coordinator at Sentier Psychotherapy.

How to Nurture your Teenager During Conflict

My Teenager Hates Me – Part 2

Being a parent is challenging. One day you have a beautiful baby who is the center of your universe, and then your baby grows into a teenager who you might not recognize. You may be asking yourself, “where did this argumentative young person come from?” Many parents of teens come into our office feeling hopeless. Parents are unsure if they did something wrong, and feel that they can’t understand their teen.

Well, good news! Teenagers are designed to oppose their parents. Adolescence is all about teenagers finding their identity (separating from their parents) which leads them to challenge the main source of authority, their parents.

Teenage years are filled with extreme highs and lows. This highly emotionally charged period of life is coupled by developmental changes and growth, surging hormones, and societal pressures. Teens are trying to navigate the waters of their new body, new feelings and emotions they have on things they thought they once understood.

Five things a parent can do to help their teen through this time:

• GUIDANCE
  All teens need guidance. Their inability to consider consequences and fully engage in future thinking, means they need their parents to do that for them. Part of a parent’s job is to keep their teen safe from harm and guide them to become the best person they can be. To be clear, we are not recommending that you helicopter. Ask your teen questions, let them make mistakes, talk with them a lot (note: do not lecture them) and you are on your way to properly guiding them!

• PERSPECTIVE
  Keep perspective. This too shall pass. The attitude your teen is presenting (and their need to challenge you) will subside. Don’t let these battles become wars, find ways to keep perspective on the situation, and soon their emotions will fade. Find out what is important to your teen and learn how to negotiate so you can support them in the independence but also keep them safe. Get external support if you need it.

• VALIDATE
  Validate your teenager’s emotions and let them know that you hear them and care about how they feel. Most teens don’t like to hear you say that you “get it,” so drop that if it is an irritation to your teen. Although these emotions may not make sense to you, there is merit to your teen’s feelings and validating the feelings allows the teenager to feel that you care for them.

• LOVE
  This goes without saying, but love your teen unconditionally. Although they may scream, “I hate you!” and respond with one or two-word responses, know in your heart that they need you and love you too. Sometimes expressing this is difficult (if your teen is really argumentative) but try to get past your hurt and continue to communicate your love to them. Again, get external support if you need it.

• CALM
  Your teen needs you to be the adult. If your teen is irrational and yells, things will only get worse if you start to act the same way. Be aware of how you respond, how your physical posture (non-verbals) comes across, and what the tone of your voice communicates. If you feel that you are unable to stay calm, state that you will continue this conversation later and walk away until you are able to manage your emotions properly. If this dynamic is not pretty and tends to not resolve itself well with you and your teen, either your and/or your teen might need help with emotion regulation skills.

Good luck, parents! Let us know how things go!

This blog was written by Rachel Samuelson and Megan Sigmon-Olsen, M.S.W., LICSW

Help me Sleep!

How well do you sleep?  If you are like most teens and college students, then probably not too well. Most people between the ages of 14 and 24 have demanding school, work, and activity schedules that favor the Night Owl lifestyle with hopes of “catching up” on the weekends. Additionally, the biological clock naturally shifts forward in adolescence, which means that adolescents experience a surge in energy in the evening while rising in the morning is more difficult. As many as 75% of college students report difficulty falling asleep, excessive sleepiness during the day, or sleep disturbances. Many of these students report that emotional and academic stress worsen their sleep problems, which can in turn increase the stress, which then leads to more sleepless nights. If this sounds familiar to you, there are ways to reduce your stress by improving your sleep.

Healthy Sleep Habits
If you have difficulty getting enough sleep or feeling rested, try some of these tips to develop healthy sleep habits:

• Develop a bedtime routine and use this routine consistently. Following the same ritual before bed and having a consistent bed time (including weekends) can create and improve the consistency of your sleep patterns.
• Make room in your schedule for 7-9 hours of sleep. This is the average amount of sleep an adolescent/college student needs, which is often far less than the schedule allows.
• This is where naps come in! Naps late in the day are not very helpful, but a 30-minute nap before mid-afternoon can do wonders.
• Only use your bed for sleep and the activities that promote sleepy time, such as reading and journaling on paper. If you avoid watching tv, doing homework, or playing on your phone in your bed, you train your brain to know that bed = winding down.
• Exercise for 30 minutes per day on most days. Not only does exercise help you sleep more soundly, but it will also keep you more alert throughout the day.
• If you lay in bed for 20 minutes trying to fall asleep, just go ahead and get out of bed. Sometimes the anxiety over not being able to fall asleep complicates the problem and makes it even more difficult. Get out of bed and do something mundane like fold laundry or clean your room before trying the routine again.
• We recommend this chart as a way to track your patterns and get a baseline on your current sleep habits.

When to See a Doctor
If the tips listed above don’t do the trick or if you experience any of the following symptoms, schedule an appointment with your family doctor or with a sleep specialist:

• You gasp, choke, or stop breathing during sleep. If you have a bed partner or roommate, ask that person if they have observed any of these behaviors in you while you sleep.
• You fall asleep at inappropriate times, such as while eating, talking, or walking.
• You feel excessively sleepy during the day and the tips above don’t seem to help.

Need a Laugh?
Hear comedian Mike Burbiglia’s recounting of his own experience with sleep disorders. But remember that even though his stories are amusing, sleep disorders can be extremely serious and should definitely be checked out by a doctor.

How Sleep Savvy are You?
Test your knowledge about sleep by reading the National Sleep Foundation list of common myths.

Blog written by Sarah Souder Johnson, MEd, LPCC

In some ways, teens really have it rough (which also means that parenting teenagers is not easy, either). From a biological standpoint, teens are undergoing many changes. Their brains are developing the ability to engage in higher-level problem solving as well as a feature that allows them to “put on the brakes” in situations where they would have previously just acted on impulse. Some of these biological changes create an inherent inner struggle as they now have to “decide” who they are going to be in the world. The whole “saying no” thing actually makes sense to them now and they have to decide to make their own decisions or follow the crowd in different situations. Teens are also experiencing hormone changes & puberty. That’s a tough mix!

In other ways, teens have it made. They still live at home, they don’t have any/many bills to pay, they get to eat for free, etc. While all these things are great, the hard piece about this is that one of the developmental tasks of being a teenager is to separate from parents. So… they want and NEED to make their own choices, have their own opinions, etc.  With all of this in mind, here are a few ways to stay connected to your teen during these years of change:

1. Openly communicate with your teen. Your teen is no longer a child and they need you to talk with them in an appropriate way. They are young adults and need to be treated this way (most of the time). Talk about current events, what they have going on in their life, some of what you have going on, stressors they are experiencing, etc. Talk, talk, talk. If they put up walls… well… that’s a different blog. I promise I will also write about that. This blog might be helpful: Communicating with your Teen: Do’s and Don’ts.

2.  Let them have an opinion. Again, your teen is no longer a child. It is your job as a parent to teach them how to be an adult. When your teen no longer lives in your home (that’s just a few years away!) they are going to need to know how to make decisions, etc. The best place to learn how to do this is at home. Their opinion will often be different than yours. That is okay! You taught your kiddo to think for themselves! Though this can create controversy at home, remember that the goal is not to have a “mini-me.” The goal is to have raised an individual you can be proud of.

3. Listen to them. Let them tell you things without giving them advice. They will learn from their mistakes, and sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way. Also, do not tell other people things that your teen told you privately. This is a deal breaker for teens.

4. Have fun with them. Let them pick activities sometimes. Yes, you might end up rock climbing this weekend, but so be it! Allowing them to pick activities shows them that you value their opinion. Warning on this one: If your teen has no money and they choose an expensive activity, I encourage you to help them earn some of the money around the house, etc. 

5. Include their friends. Not all the time! Sometimes this is good, though. It is developmentally appropriate for teens to prioritize their friends. This is nothing that you did wrong. Include their friends in some activities and this will open up more lines of communication.

6. Be clear about expectations. Do not assume your teen knows what is expected of them. This is a very common mistake that I see A LOT. Be clear and have expectations written down. This will eliminate many arguments. Read here for my thoughts about teen expectations.

7. Help them reach their goals. Key word: THEIR goals. This one can be hard for parents. Let your teen be who they want to be in the world. They will be much happier as themselves than if they live their life to please you. Help them clarify their goals and help them attain their goals (as much as you can, anyway). You get to worry about their future. That’s part of what you signed up for as a parent. You can be honest with them about your thoughts about some of their goals, but please do not use guilt or shame. Again, I will blog about that in the future. For now, support them in their goals and this will show them that you love them and trust them as young adults.

8. The good ole’ family dinner. Eat together sometimes! Research consistently shows that families are happier when they eat some meals together (no phones at the table, please!).

9. You are not their friend. They still need you to be their parent. After they graduate, move out, go to college, etc., then you can have a more adult relationship with them. For now, don’t be the TOO cool parent. You can be cool, but know your limits ahead of time. Teens still need parents, rules, consequences, etc. It is your job to enforce the rules and consequences.

Hopefully these pointers help! There is no reason that you should not stay connected with your teenager. Are there any that you as parents feel that I missed?

First of all, if your teen has agreed to see a therapist, that is great! Teens are often anxious about their first appointment, which is why I have written this blog for you. There are a few things that will be helpful for you to talk with them about before that first session.

1. Provide your teen with some background information about the therapist. If the therapist has an online presence, let your teen look at the therapist’s website, etc. Seeing the therapist’s picture often helps ease some angst. If possible, have your teen help you select the therapist. The relationship your teen develops with the therapist will be a critical factor in your teen’s ability to make change (in their life) with that therapist.

2. Review with your teen the reasons that they are going to therapy. Reinforce the fact that they are not going to therapy to be “fixed,” but rather to find some solutions. Partner with your teen around wanting to see them find solutions on any issues that they are struggling with. Your partnership will be helpful to them, but do not try to solve their problems for them. Therapy allows teens a private space to begin making their own decisions. Remind your teen of this, as it is developmentally appropriate for your teen to want to find solutions on their own. Teens want the control and the freedom to make decisions. Therapy is a place where they will have this control. 

3. Have as much background information about the therapist for your teen as possible (Where is the therapist located? What kind of building is the therapist in? Does the therapist see other teenagers? How long are sessions? How often are sessions? When does the therapist work?, etc.).

4. Get information from the therapist about what the first session will be like. For me, this is easy. My first sessions (I call them Meet & Greets) only last 30 minutes and are basically quick sessions that give teens and parents a chance to see if they connect with me, if they feel like they can trust me, if they like my office space, and if they feel like they can spend an hour per week with me. I also explain my privacy policy to teens and parents during the Meet & Greet. This is almost always a concern for teens (“If I tell you stuff, are you going to call my parents?”). If your chosen therapist does not provide a Meet & Greet, their first session is likely the beginning of their assessment. Assessment is just a fancy word that we mental health folks use for getting to know you better.

5. Talk with your teen about what it is they want to get out of therapy. This is something that the therapist will ask at some point, and it is important for your teen to understand that therapy time is the teen’s private time to work on whatever they want to work on. Setting goals at the beginning of therapy will help the therapist make plans to help your teen better. If your teen does not know what they want to get out of therapy, their first few sessions will likely be spent talking about what changes they want to see in their life. Even if your teen cannot answer you 100% during this conversation, ask your teen to think about it so they are able to answer when the therapist asks.

6. Inform your teen what therapy IS and what therapy IS NOT. Therapists are not magicians. Therapists cannot read minds. Therapists are there to guide your teen and help them figure out areas that are causing them pain. Therapists can help your teen figure out issues they might have in relationships, school, with friends. Therapists will not “cure” your teen; your teen has to do the work in therapy in order to see changes in the world. This is an important item, because I believe that therapy is confusing for people who have never been to therapy. Therapists do not have a prescription to make things better.

7. Assuming your teen doesn’t HATE the therapist (after meeting them for the first time), inform your teen that they need to try a few (3 to 5) sessions with the therapist. Teens can be impulsive and sometimes want to fire therapists immediately. Give the therapist a few sessions to see if the relationship can develop.

Let me know how the conversation with your teen goes! Is there anything that came up in your conversation that I missed here? Please share your thoughts about this post as this is an important conversation that parents often need to have with teens.

This requires some time and patience.

There is one very obvious reason that a good therapist can be hard to find: There are A LOT of us! If you do a Google/Bing/Yahoo search for a therapist in your area, you will find page after page after page listing all of us. You will also find many of us listed on certain paid sites (such as Psychology Today). These sites are great, but you will be bombarded with blurbs that we have written. Eventually the blurbs kind of sound the same and you do not feel that you know who to call.

Steps to take to decrease your number of choices:

1. Do a Google search for the kind of therapist you are looking for. Some examples: “Family Therapy [enter your zip code or city name],” “Teen Therapist [zip code or city],” “Couples Counseling [zip code or city].” Find the sites of a few therapists who stick out to you and read what they have to say. If you find any therapists who you seem to like (as much as you can after reading their blurb, anyway) write down their name or bookmark their site.

2. Keep looking. Check some of the sites that rank high when searching (such as Psychology Today). Within the Psychology Today website, you will search for a therapist by zip code. This kind of search is a good starting place, but you will (again!) find that there are A LOT of us listed! (I just did a search for my zip code and got 66 results! Wow!). After getting your results by zip code, you can make your search more specific by selecting categories (Child or Adolescent, Addiction, Anxiety, ADHD, etc.). Using these specifiers will help you find a therapist who works with whatever it is you want to work on in therapy.

3. Read some blurbs. Make note of therapists who stick out to you.

4. Google these therapists names. See what else these therapists are involved in to get a better feel for who they are.

5. Do a YouTube search of the therapists names. Some therapists have YouTube channels and you may have the opportunity to listen to them speak, see how they interact, etc.

6. Ask around (if you feel comfortable). Ask your physician if they recommend a particular therapist. Ask a clergy member or friend. Ask the parents of other teens or the school counselor (if you’re looking for a teen therapist). Check your teen’s school website as they might have a section for counseling recommendations.

7. If you intend to directly use your insurance for therapy, you can look up (usually online or by phone) who is in-network with your insurance company. They will probably have a very long list of people in your area. Those of us who do not directly contract with insurance companies will not be listed here.

Okay. Now do you have a couple therapists selected?

1. Once you have a therapist (or two, or three, or four!) picked out, call or email the therapist. See if the therapist will meet with you (I call these sessions meet-and-greets) for a short time. This kind of a session is usually free. If the therapist does offer something like this, I would encourage you to schedule this kind of session. This will allow you to see how you feel when you sit down with your chosen therapist as well as ask any questions you might have.The connection you feel with your therapist is going to be very important as the relationship between the two of you is one of the main pieces that will help you make change in your life.

2. If the therapist does not offer a free meet-and-greet, see if they are willing to have a brief phone conversation with you. You can ask them questions such as:
A. What is your educational background?
B. Are you licensed?
C. Are you an interactive therapist or are you more of a quiet therapist?
D. Do you have experience working with __________?
E. What kind of session times do you currently have available?

3. If the therapist does not offer a free consultation/meet-and-greet, you have to decide if you want to schedule the first session with your chosen therapist. The first session is generally more expensive than other sessions. You will usually need to complete paper work for this first session.

This is a brief summary about some of the ways to find your therapist. Has this been helpful? Good luck finding someone who is a good fit for you!

You really want to go out with friends on Friday night and you know that mom/moms/dad/dads/mom and dad aren’t going to budge. Here’s how to get them to (at least) consider:

1. Let them know (with advance warning) that you’d like to arrange a time to sit down and talk with them about something.

2. Be flexible about when you can meet. For example, don’t try to meet at 10 at night when you know he/she/they have to wake up early for work. Set a time after dinner (that you ate WITH THEM at HOME!) or when the family is just hanging out.

3. Don’t pull siblings or friends into the conversation (unless they’re going to the event with you).

4. Sit down with your parent(s) and explain the upcoming event that you’re asking permission to attend. Important details: Who will be there, who is supervising, what will you be doing, what date/time will you need to be there and how will you get to the event, will you need money, and why you’re so excited about the event.

5. Here’s where problems are likely to take place:

• Your parents may not approve of the other people who will be at the event. Good luck with that one! If your parents have reason to not approve of certain people, then this is gonna’ be a tough sell. Parents generally don’t like people who they feel puts their teen at risk.
• Your parent(s) may not believe there will be supervision. Offer to have your parents talk to the person supervising. Provide them with the (CORRECT) phone number.
• If you need extra money for the event, come to the meeting with your parent(s) with an idea of how you plan to earn the extra money at home (pick up a few more chores, mow the yard, etc.). Follow through with these chores OR IT WILL HURT YOU NEXT TIME!

6. If the discussion is not going anywhere, ask your parent(s) the main reason they’re saying no. Do not yell at them; this will only make them more firm in saying no. Reschedule the discussion for a later time when everyone is calm. Revisit step #1 and try again.

Remember, your parent(s) want honesty and they want to see you handling yourself responsibly. Come to the meeting prepared to answer questions. Have answers to the tough questions and also come prepared for your parent(s) to say no. Good luck!

How did using these steps work out for you!?

What is Fear? and How To Overcome It

Fear is defined as “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.” If we look around at our world right now, there is a lot going on that might cause fear inside of us: The spread of COVID-19, fear of losing our jobs or not being able to share important moments with loved ones, fear of screwing up this homeschooling thing. Fear of isolation. On and on, we can all name our own list of fears. And if you aren’t feeling it now, there has likely been a time in your life when you have felt fearful of something.

What do we do with this fear? Here are a few things that can help when the fear feels crippling or overwhelming:

1. Name it.

Fear is a tricky emotion. If you let it stay hidden, it will grow. Speak out loud what you are fearful of. Write it down. Share it with a friend or someone you trust. But don’t let it remain a secret.

2. Challenge it.

After naming your fears, challenge them with truth. For example, if you are fearful about the future and the unknown, name something true about the present that makes you feel safe or comfortable right now. Perhaps you are afraid if you try that free yoga class, you might look silly. What if you try it and you don’t look silly? What if you are actually an awesome, yogi warrior waiting to be unleashed? Or what if every other person in that class is also fearful of looking silly, and they aren’t giving you a second glance? Either way, the truth is you took a class to improve your overall health and wellness. Challenge your fears with truth. Sometimes when we are caught in our own fear, this step might require a little help from that trusted person mentioned before.

3. Keep moving.

Fear can stop us in our tracks. It paralyzes us from moving forward: from trying the new thing, meeting the new person. Set small goals to continue working towards the next step. This progression acts as a natural way to challenge our fears, because we make it to the next step, look around, and find that we are actually okay.

4. Look for opportunities to thrive versus survive.

Fear is an emotion that can be traced back to our survival selves. Fear teaches us to “fight, flight, or freeze” when threatened by something dangerous (real or perceived). Instead of living in this constant place of being on edge, look for the times when you feel most alive. Are you outside walking your dog? Are you listening to your favorite tunes? Attempting a new recipe? Find those moments when you feel a little fuller and perhaps a little calmer, and seek to create those throughout your day.

Here is a list of some new activities you might try to live more in that “thriving rather than surviving” zone: 

https://cornercanyoncounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Pleasurable-Activities.pdf

https://www.kiddiematters.com/80-self-care-activities-teens/

Fear is a real thing. It’s hard and scary. This post is not meant to minimize that in any way. Recognizing the fear and bringing light to it while we continue to move forward, can help keep us from getting caught in those fear traps that threaten our overall well-being, our relationships, and the lens through which we view the world.

In a time when many of us are experiencing fear about a lot of different things, remember you are not alone. Sometimes just knowing someone else is sitting in that same fear with us, is enough.

What ways can you begin challenging your own fears today?

Blog written by Tana Welter, MSW, LGSW.