My parents hate me.

The longer I am a therapist for teens, the more emails I get from desperate teenagers. The emails are most often about a painful incident that makes a teen believe their parent(s) hate them.

Other reasons I get emails from teens:
1. Looking for help: How can I get my parents to say yes?
2. Looking for help: How can I make my parents like me more?
3. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents trust me?
4. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents let me be myself?

I generally respond to the email by letting the teen know that I need to know more about their situation and that I would love to meet with them and their parents. I might give a tiny bit of “advice” if something seems really obvious to me. Generally, though, I don’t hear back from the teens and then don’t end up in my office. So… I think about these teens…

My Parents Hate Me

If you feel like your parents hate you, we need to figure out what the disconnect is.

When parents: Try to get you to value the same things they value (church, school, volunteering, etc.)
They are: Doing their best to raise you into their version of a good and successful person. You do not have to value their church or way of dressing long-term. Before long, you will get to live your life as you choose. If this is a really big issue, it might help to sit down with a therapist to come to some compromises. Read here to find a therapist in your area.

When parents: Take away your cell phone/ipod/computer for the weekend…
They are: Generally trying to say that you broke the rules, and now you must pay. They don’t hate you if they do this to you, even though this brings you *PAIN.

When parents: Call you names…
They are: Either unsure that the name hurts you (could they be using sarcasm?) or they are not handling their anger the way adults should handle their anger. The name-calling usually does not mean they hate you, but that they don’t know what do to. Again, if name calling is happening a lot, I suggest therapy. If that is not an option, do your best to talk with trusted people about your situation. Know that the names they are calling you are not true and that their hurtful words actually show you that your parent is struggling. This is not your fault. I will write a blog at some point about how you can counter the name-calling in your mind with affirmations.

When parents: Hit you…
They are: Not managing their anger appropriately. Talk with a trusted adult. Hitting is not okay and therapy (at very least) is needed.

When parents: Ground you.
They are: Telling you that they don’t like something you did or said. This usually does not mean that they hate you. Grounding can feel really bad, though, and if it is being used constantly, you might need to negotiate some other consequences (not during an argument, though. That won’t work). Also, if you’re being grounded constantly, something needs to change. Work on somehow meeting your parents in the middle with whatever rule of theirs you keep breaking.

One last thing. Life is not always fair and sometimes you are dealt a bad situation. The one thing I can tell you is this: THIS IS TEMPORARY! YOU HAVE A LONG LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

Teens: Please email me or comment below and I will write more about general topics to help you figure out what is going on when your parent does a certain thing. What do your parents do that makes you feel as if they hate you?

**Please note: I will respond to some comments/questions below. Because I am not your therapist (and, therefore, do not have all the information about your situation) please do not mistake my comments as professional advice. I cannot always respond to the questions quickly and if you are in need of professional help, do not rely on this blog for that type of support. Please call your therapist or 911 if you are in need of immediate hep.**

58 thoughts on “My parents hate me.

    • My parents are horrible! My older sister is going to college next year and my younger sister is in the 3rd grade, so im in the middle. If having college isnt enough pressure to put on top of me being isolated, my sister is now getting straight A’s while im getting C’s and D’s on my progress reports. All i can hear about is how smart and talented my older and younger sisters are while im just stupid and worthless. I have no idea what i want to be when im older and i get yelled at everyday, because my older sister has had her dream job with her since she was around 7 or 8. I hate how my parents favor my sisters more than me. Its been this way ever since my little sister, who is now 8 was born. 8 years now i have been the middle child and it really just plain sucks. My parents also punish me in ways that are not okay. I hate being hurt by them and when i sometimes say that i could call DCFS on them they laugh and say “i hope you get sent away”. Its gotten to the point where i cry everyday and i tell them i hate them at least 3 times in one day… The thing that scares me the most is that i really just don’t feel like i love them anymore.. I honestly just dont care for them. I wish we could be on the same page but every time i talk to them i wanna use mean words and hurt them. i think i need therapy but i dont wanna ask because i think that they will ignore me or make fun. I just wanna move out already! Im 15 and ive never felt so horrible. please help me.

      • Hello Girl In Need,

        I’m so sorry you’re feeling stuck, trapped, and hurt by your parents. Please know that you do not need to know what you want to do for the rest of your life at the age of 15! Your sister is lucky that she figured her goals out at such a young age, but you are normal for not yet know what you want to do! You have plenty of time to figure this out. Please know that.

        If you want to ask for therapy, but are too afraid, it might be a good idea to talk with another adult who can at some point make this recommendation to your parents. Do you have someone like this in your life? Someone your parents might listen to? If not, there are adults available who WANT to help. Please know this! Also, if you decide to ask your parents yourself, please ask them during a time when you are not fighting. Parents respond to requests better when they are not angry (we all do this!).

        Thinking of you,
        megan

  1. my parents hate my guts! they favor my sister and are ruthless and violent. my mom talks behind my back and tells my dad to send me to a hospital when i got in a fight with her, she wasnt respecting my personal space so i hit her to defend myself. My dad says my mom and sister are moving out of the house because of me and blames every single thing on me! its not fair, he says im to violent when he has hit me 3 times in my life, and i hit my mom that one time! they dont care that im majorly depressed or that im only 13! i dont want to live anymore, and i plan to make that clear..

    • Hi Amy,

      I’m sorry that this time is so hard for you and your parents. It sounds like tension is really high and that you don’t feel like things can change. If there is ongoing violence in your home, please tell a trusted adult at school so that proper steps can be taken. From there, your family should be able to get the resources you all need to develop more peaceful relationships. If your parents are willing to do in-home family therapy, that might be best at this time. I hope you will talk with an adult at school (church, wherever…) to get the help you need. All my best to you.

      megan

    • Hi Amy,

      The best thing I can tell you is that you need to keep talking to people that you trust. If you don’t have that, find it! Many adults out there (school, work, church, etc.) care and want to help. Someone will understand how you feel. They really will! That is also one thing that therapists are good at.

      I hope this helps.

      All my best to you,
      megan

  2. I am a 13 year old Asian girl. That means my parents are Asian as well of course. My life has been dumped in a pit… Yes I`m not perfect. I haven`t been studying as hard as usual. I learned cuss words at school. They even once saw porn on my iPod. But they think that my life is so easy, that school is easy, that friends are easy. They think that they know me. I have tried being honest, since they told me to, but when I tell them the truth about things they get angry. I am never allowed to text anyone or call. I am not allowed to interact any males. They don`t trust me. They HATE me. They call me names and insult me ALL the time. I have considered suicide so many times. They had me move from Florida to California. They don`t let me relax… EVER! I feel that my life as a kid is already gone. Therapy won`t help. They are terrible. HELP ME!!!

    • Hello,

      I am so very sorry that it feels to you that nothing can help your situation. A lot of times teens are only able to tell their parents how they feel during a fight/argument. Is is possible to (calmly) sit down with your parents to let them know how unhappy you are? If that doesn’t help, I think it would make sense to do family therapy. Because you mention that you (and your parents) are Asian, it might make sense to find an Asian therapist who does family therapy to help you. Sometimes that is easier for parents because they feel that the therapist understands culture, values, etc. I agree that individual therapy may not be the only outlet that will help you at this time. It sounds to me like you and your parents need to sit down with a neutral person in order for your parents to ACTUALLY hear your pain. I hope that you will consider talking with them or another adult in order to try to get them in for family therapy. As a family therapist, I am certain that family therapy could help you make changes. If anything, maybe you could “earn” a bit more freedom. Please don’t give up. Life is long and you have so much ahead of you. You will one day be your own adult and will be able to live as you wish.

      All my best to you,
      megan

  3. I need help. I come from a very broken past; I was born a mistake. My family deep down is very fragile and my parents aren’t that happy. I hardly see my father as he’s always at work and my mother is obsessed with cleaning, working, etc. Everyone sees me as things I don’t want them to. They see me as short and often classmates of mine make fun of me for that, my grandpa thinks I love golf like him even though I really don’t, and they expect perfect grades and me to never be mad at anything. They take their anger on me and school is no better, everyone is backstabbing. I also have a medical condition that I’m self conscious about. I hate this life where people expect things of me I don’t want to be and treat me horribly. I’ve cut, starved myself, and often wish I didn’t exist because deep I down I’m a mistake.

    • Hello Savannah,

      I am a 15 year old girl and I can relate to almost everything that I have just read from you. But let me assure you that you are not a mistake. In this world, everything happens for a reason. You were born for a reason and you are still living for a reason. You cannot control the way that others treat you, however you can help control how it affects you. When people expect you to be a certain way, it’s because they care enough of you to not let you grow up unsuccessful. They do not want you to be a failure, they want you to succeed. People who care about you put expectations on you because they want you to succeed. I have learnt that through my parents and their mistakes.

      It is not easy for you now. I do not completely understand your current situation or your feelings, but I can assure you that things work themselves out. Look forward to the past when everything will be better. Live each and every day. Keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

      Good luck girl,
      xx

  4. Oh, and the medical condition isn’t anything serious. It just causes my right foot to be smaller and it has a giant scar from surgery. Just kinda makes me more insecure….

  5. My parents hate me and i know it. I usually get good grades, As and Bs. But even when i get good grades, my parents yell at me about not trying hard enough and that im lazy and dont care. I am in 9th grade and i am 15 years old. This has been going on for as long as i can remember (before middle school). I feel that everything i do is wrong no matter how hard i try. Whenever i tell them how i feel about things (like school) its like they dont listen to me. Whenever i express myself im always shut down and ignored. They never listen to what i have to say. I live with my grandparent by the way, because my dad died and my mom is a drug addict. Ive been living with my grandparents since i was 7 years old and its always been like this. My parents almost never tell me how well i did on something. All they think about is how it could have been better. Sometimes when were in an argument, my grandpa will get so angry hell pull my up by my hair and yell in face about how im a failure (and they both will cuss me out). Ive been diagnosed with ADD for 4 years and have recently been diagnosed with deep depression. Ive been depressed since the beginning of the school year but wasnt treated for it until a few weeks ago. Ive brought up suicide multiple times in conversation or in arguments and they always laugh in my face and say im over dramatic. That im ridiculous for thinking that or even bringing it up. I talk to my friends about this stuff all the time. My friends parents are therapists and they agree my situation is harsh. I dont know what to do. They wont listen to what i have to say. Ive been thinking about just running away or going to a friends house just to get away. Some of my friends hav small bags for me in their houses incase i need a quick getaway. Plz help me. What do i do? (Ive also had therapy but my parents took me out of saying i dont need it. I also dont find it right to laugh in a depressed persons face when their thinking of suicide.)

    • Hi Tessa,

      You are right; your situation is very complicated and difficult. Since you have ADD and Depression, finding a therapist you connect with is very important. Because your dad passed away and because your mom struggles with addiction, the best thing you can do is find as many supportive adults in your life and lean on them. I’ve seen teens lean on teachers, parents of friends (like you’re doing with your friend whose parents are counselors) and any other adult who is trustworthy, safe, and stable.

      You need to tell someone about the physical abuse that has happened between you and your grandpa. Telling someone at school is a good option. This does not mean that you will get sent somewhere else, but that people will come and evaluate your situation. A professional needs to evaluate your situation, just in case you are being abused. If so, the professional will offer your family services or alternate living plans. It is very complicated, but will give you some hope.

      Keep going, Tessa. You are amazing, strong, and have friends who love you! Keep talking and getting support from those you trust.

      Also, it might be helpful to arrange to stay with a friend for a week (or so) this summer. Maybe a break will be helpful for everyone.

      I hope this helps.

      I’m thinking of you!
      megan

  6. My parents are super strict and they won’t let me EVER hang out with friends, I’ve never had a sleepover in my entire life because they tell me I’m too young and Immature. I’m 12 and probably the most mature in my grade. Whenever my friends ask me to hang out I have to say no because if I even ask, then my parents (mom in particular) will yell and scream at me for even bringing it up. They’re not physically abusive, but I think they’re verbally abusive, sometimes my mom would yell at me saying that I make her life miserable and that I’m a little B****. She say’s that to me and my older sister. And then sometimes when I tell my dad that I don’t want to do something, or that I forgot to do something he will hit me. Other times when he is “happy” he will just yell and say “go F****** finish/ do it” I don’t have many chores, but they own their own business and they make me work for them. I think that’s Illegal but i I’m not sure. Sometimes when I say that they can’t make me work for them, they tell me to go call the cops on them, but I never do because I’m scared of what the outcome will be. Sometimes they make me feel like they hate me, and I sometimes feel like i hate them. I almost told my mom that I hated her but she was abused when she was younger, and Isn’t abusive now, but she has threatened to beat me

    • Hi Kali,

      I can just HEAR the high level of stress that you’re dealing with right now. I see that you were in therapy before, and I’m wondering if your parents will allow therapy again. You could let them know that you would like to work on “stress management” and see if that is something they will support. If not, can you talk with the counselor at school?

      I’m sorry I can’t solve these problems for you. Ultimately, you and your parents will have to work through this together. That is why I am asking you if you can speak with a trusted adult. In the end, you will have to work with your parents to find solutions. Also, Kali: If your dad is hitting you, you need to tell an adult at school, church, work, wherever.

      I hope you can remember that life is very long and that you will not have to live with your parents forever! You still have lots of life to live!

      Thinking of you,
      megan

  7. I’m pretty sure my mom is verbally abusive. She’s wonderful when she’s feeling good, but when she’s frustrated she takes it out on me and calls me names and tells me all the things I do wrong (some aren’t true) when my dad isn’t working (he’s never home) she tells him her story which is at least 50% incorrect. She doesn’t trust me and believed my three year old sister who said I pulled her hair (I didn’t) and later when my sister cried she screamed “WHAT DID YOU DO NOW” even though I didn’t touch her. She’s a snoop on my things, and whenever I try to express my feelings I get in trouble and end up bottling it inside. Twice it’s been so bad I locked myself in the bathroom and well….cut myself. She’s very passive aggressive also which makes me feel like crap. I struggle daily with depression as I pretty much know no one who is genuinely kind and accepts me for who I am, and she’s never been there for me. I’m tired of being treated horribly at school to come home to being yelled at for not being perfect enough. All my life (literally when I was six I used I stare in the mirror and focus on how fat my thighs were) I’ve been insecure and whenever I tell her about it she tells me she’s sick of me constantly whining. I’m a mistake. I honestly want to die because there is no one. No trusted adult, no friend who understands, no mother nor father who loves me unconditionally. I’m trapped and inside I’m dead.

    • Hi Lollipop,

      I’m sorry you’re going through so much right now. I can hear the pain in your message and I’m so sorry you feel trapped. A couple of ideas that I have seen other teens do:
      1. Schedule a time to go and talk with your mom. Do not talk to her in the middle of a fight or argument and tell her how badly you feel about everything (home, school, friends). Even when parents are stressed, they usually do not want to know that their teen is struggling in all areas. Tell her you feel dead inside and that you feel like things are not going to get better. Since you have started cutting, getting the help of a therapist really will help you in the long run.
      2. Find an adult to talk with at school.
      3. Try to talk with your dad about how badly you feel. Don’t blame your mom for your feelings. Tell your dad how you feel about school, home, friends, life. Maybe he can hear you.

      Please talk with someone! You are NOT alone!!

      As I say to all teens who write to me… Please remember that life will change and that you will have complete freedom to live as you wish one day.

      All my best to you,
      megan

  8. i’m 16, my parents hate me for real & they treat me like crap & like a
    maidservant & their goal is to conquer me… i hate myself for being with them & i don’t want to live with them anymore, i hate myself 🙁 what i should do?

  9. I am only 13, but I have severe depression because of my mom. When she first found out that I was a cutter, she wasn’t supportive at all. She just told me that I was stupid and had no reason to cut myself. She said that I wasn’t depressed and that I just wanted attention. She talked to all her friends about me, but not in a good way. They would laugh at me and mock me and talk about what a horrible person I was, my stepdad included. They think my life is so easy but it’s not. My grandmother tried to get me a therapist but my mom refuses to let me go and says that all I need is for her to be home more. She couldn’t have been more wrong. When she is home, she’s either asleep or throwing a fit. Knocking my stuff off shelves, screaming and throwing a fit. When I try and tell her how much it upsets me, she tells me to get over myself because I don’t really have any problems.

    She always defends my stepdad who calls me names like slut, whore, fat, and other horrible things. They know I have self esteem issues but they don’t care. Its gotten to the point where I don’t even want to live here anymore. I wish she would let me move in with my grandparents but she wont, even though they would happily take me in. I cry myself to sleep most nights and think of ways I could kill myself. I can’t do that though because my great grandfather is ill and cares too much for me. What do I do?

    • Hi Gillian,

      I’m sorry you and your parents are struggling. Is it possible to ask your mom to see a counselor because you want to learn how to get along better with her? If not, please talk with your school counselor to see if he/she can help. You have so much going on; it is clear to me that you need more support.

      All my best to you,
      megan

  10. I am a 13 year old girl. I have been arguing with my parents for literally my whole life. My mom has always picked on me since I was in pre-k and in return to that I showed her some anger by being rude. My dad has always been on my moms side and picks on me and is rude to me also. They tell me that I am so mean to them and I am mental and they have said plenty of times that they hate me and want me to leave their home. I’m only mean to them because they are mean to me first, and it’s not fair the way they treat me. They never ever are mean to my little sister and it makes me so angry. This year in school I made friends with some girls who my parents just decided they hated for absolutely no reason. Well, actually I told my parents about some of the things the girls were doing, (which it wasn’t anything that horrible but I don’t really want to share on here,) thinking I could trust my parents since I tell them literally everything. Well, ever since I told them my parents have made me sick about my friends and now they even went to the extent to literally move, yes, move, to another place to get me out of the school away from the girls. And I’ve been bullied all my life, and never had friends, so I’m just happy to have any friends at all. The other reason why we are moving is because my dad hasn’t had a job for over a year and we are basically broke, but that’s a whole another story. My mom and dad continuously assume that I am doing wrong things behind their back, but I have no idea how they can assume that when they have no proof. I have a lot of issues that bring down my self esteem, such as my acne which leaves scars all over the place even when it goes away. I try to talk to my parents about it and they say well your an idiot its your fault. What kind of parent blames their kid for their acne?? I’m just so confused on what to do. One minute they will be nice to me and tell me they love me and then the next minute they are screaming in my face, and yes, they can get violent sometimes and they have hurt me plenty of times. This morning I didn’t talk to them on purpose just not to get in trouble following the argument we had the night before, but they still got in a massive fight with me and I didn’t even say anything. My dad is constantly grounding me and taking away all my things, and he tells me that he doesn’t trust me at all and he never will. I don’t even know why he would say that. It’s not like they have officially caught me lying about anything recently. (Not that I lie anyways?) I have ran away because one time my dad starting screaming so loud in my face get the **** out of my house! leave! i never want to see your ****** face again that I was afraid the neighbors heard it. I have considered suicide many many times and my parents know. They tell me they don’t care if I commit suicide but I think that they don’t realize I might just do that one of these days because I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t go see anyone in person right now because my parents would be really angry if I told them I needed counseling, and I’m not in school right now because summer. Thank you for your help, I just really needed to tell someone all of this, and obviously my parents are no help. I’m only saying a little of whats going on because I don’t want to take up too much of your time. Thanks again 🙂

    • Hello,

      It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at home. I hope that you will find a way to get help and that you and your parents can see eye-to-eye on some things. Now that school is just about in session, I recommend talking with a school counselor if you’re still feeling suicidal. It sounds like you need more support than you’re getting.

      Please take care of yourself and know that these problems are temporary.

      All my best to you,
      megan

  11. Im 12 and i think i may have depression because of my mom. She freaks out on me for every little thing i do. We were talking in the car and she started screaming at me because i wasnt answering them a certain way. She always tells me i dont appreciate things. Every day all i hear is im a worthless, ungrateful soul. It hurts. I dont want counselling or anything. I just need help. I cant do this everyday. Help. All i want is help.

    • Hi Cat,

      I’m sorry you and your mom are going through this. It sounds super stressful. I understand that you don’t want to go to therapy, so you have one thing to figure out: How can you talk with your mom about this without fighting during that conversation. A couple of suggestions:
      1. Do not try to talk about this when either of you are frustrated, annoyed, or angry at ALL.
      2. Start of the conversation by saying, “I feel so sad/upset/confused by our relationship lately…” (Instead of “You freak out on me for everything I do, I’m so sick of how you treat me!”
      3. Look at my blog: How to get your parents to say yes, (http://counselingmn.com/how-to/how-to-get-your-parents-to-say-yes/) and follow the first few steps. You have to find a way to get more information from your mom. You have to figure out what you also need to do to make your interactions go more smoothly. That will not happen unless you hear her side of things.

      Good luck to you,
      megan

  12. My parents yell at me all the time. I argue sometimes because I feel the point needs to be proven but it never ends well. My dad says certain things and I feel like he wants to argue with me. And he’ll smile and say “chill”. It makes me so mad! They just yell at me constantly for little things like leaving my shoes around the house or something. I feel like they have very bad parenting skills because I don’t feel love from them. They want me to get a job and they don’t understand how I don’t have time. I’m so busy with school and babysitting. I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m so tired of constantly fighting with them about stupid things they get super mad at!

    • Hi Heidi,

      It sounds to me like you and your parents need to sit down and have a discussion about your stress level, the pressure you feel, and what the expectations are around the house. I can’t help you with the shoes be left around the house 🙂 as many parents expect a level of cleanliness from their kids/teens. That being said, it would be good if you could have a discussion to make expectations clear, as well as for you to explain to them that you feel overwhelmed (from schoolwork and babysitting). Please choose an okay time to discuss this and try not to get too mad during the discussion if they say things that annoy you! If you get mad because they say something that is annoying, you will likely lose the progress you have made in the discussion (because it will turn into a fight about their annoying behavior).

      Good luck to you.

      megan

      • I already have talked with them about this and they said I am being rediculas and need to grow up and manage my time better. I talk to them all the time (at good times) and they just don’t care! They expect so much from me. I cant be perfect! They don’t understand.

  13. My parents are abusive. When my books were taken from my locker, my parents kept shouting and calling me stupid.They keep saying it was my fault people barged in and stole my books and recently became physical with me. My sister gets good grades and mine are below average,they mostly ignore me when it comes to school and take every opportunity to insult me.I am depressed and possibly mentally ill sometimes to the point of suicide which I attempted twice.

    • Hello Victor,

      I’m so sorry that you and your parents are not getting along right now. If the conflict is getting to the point of becoming physical, please talk with an adult at school (teacher, nurse, social worker) or someone who can help you get the help you need. It might also be helpful to talk with your parents about how you would like to see a counselor about your struggles in school, thoughts of suicide, etc. You need more support!

      Please reach out and get the help you need. The fights with your parents will not last forever; in other words: You have a lot of life to live after high school! There is so much to see and do. My hope is that you will be able to get the support and love you need (ideally from your parents at some point) to keep on trying; to keep on living.

      I hope this helps. Please know that I’m thinking of you.

      megan

  14. Hello, I really need someone to talk to…
    I live in a culture where your education is really important and after that you can get married. My parents kept pushing me so hard to go to the university that I lost it under the pressure. I was so stressed out that I couldn’t memorize the stuff I learned it just didn’t got to my brain. I failed this year my graduation and my parents are so mad at me.. they yell at me all the time saying I don’t do my best. I told them it was the pressure and stress and they say everybody has stress during exams and they didn’t fail. They will never understand how depressed they make me telling me only what I do wrong. They throw it in my face all the time. My sister went to university and they give her everything she want. I got a job and i will do this year again but it will never be good enough for them.. i will never good enough for them to love me like they love my sister. Even if i graduate this year i will be the kid who ‘had to do it in 2 years’ or the kid ‘who wont get married because she will be too old’. I’m so sick of this and i really lost control over who i am because i push myself to be what they want and this year it just collapsed i couldn’t do it anymore..

    • Hi Lara,

      It sounds like you had a really hard year last year. Sometimes the pressure gets to be too much for a lot of us. You are not the only person who will be completing your senior year in 2 years! Sometimes we just need a break; a little more time to get through things. That is okay. My hope is that with a bit more time, your parents can come around and see that you are still doing what you’re “supposed” to do. You’ll still graduate and will be just one year older. You will still be able to marry at a young age and do all the things you want to do in your life.

      Your parents may take some time to come around, but hopefully they will see that you’re doing just fine now. Your body was not going to allow you to keep pushing like you were. You did the right thing by taking the time you needed to take. I hope you can see that! This will pass, please know that!

      Warmly,
      megan

  15. I love my stepmom a lot. She is mean to me and it makes me sad. When I try to talk about it she says she does it because of how I treat her. I try to treat her the best I can. I use to not obey her at all and she still brings that up all the time. Who’s perfect? Yes I made mistakes but why can’t she stop bringing them up? I am depressed because of her. She’s told me she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to be around me. She’s happy and makes it perfectly known every time I have to go to my mom’s house. If I do do something wrong she always makes it sound worse than what it is. She tells my dad and always throws made up things into the story. I’m tired of it, but I can stop thinking about her or be mad at her because I love her a lot. It’s sad because we use to have a great relationship and now it’s HORRIBLE. Please give me advice. I can’t get therapy so please don’t suggest it. What should I do? If I tell my dad he doesn’t believe me, and if I tell my mom she will stop me from seeing them.

    • Hi Katie,

      It sounds like you love your stepmom a lot, and that you have made mistakes with her. That is okay, we all make mistakes. That being said, it sounds like she is unable to move past whatever it is that you did. Because you are unable to sit with an objective adult (therapist) and talk about this with your stepmom, it might be helpful to find a way to have a calm, apologetic conversation with your step mom. Find out what she needs from you to move forward in your relationship. Some parents get “stuck” and are never unable to move past the hurt that happened; my hope is that your stepmom can move on. The key to that conversation is for you to not become angry (even if she says something that you do not remember to be true). You will both have different perspectives about past incidents, and the details aren’t important. Just find out what needs to happen for the two of you to move forward.

      I hope this helps, Katie!

      Warmly,
      megan

  16. Im Ainee, I’m 13 and my parents really don’t care about me or love each other. I do good in school and whenever i do something im extremely proud of, they just say ‘hmm ok’. But when my older sister or my younger brother do anything small it’s always ‘look what ____ did!!! well done!!’ and when i try to talk to them they don’t listen, they don’t even pretend like they’re listening and i just end up stopping mid-sentence. My mum makes me do all the chores. My dad hasnt talked to me since i was 11 and now all he does is yell at me for little things. I’m not allowed at home alone or allowed to go out with friends without an adult or allowed at sleepovers but i dont know why. My sister’s always allowed, even when she was younger than me. I only have about a couple of new clothes this year, and most of my clothes are still from when i was 9 and 10, even though they’re too small. But my siblings get tons of clothes each year. I also struggle with eating disorder but my parents don’t try to help me. It’s always ‘go eat, you’re a stick (blahblah)’ and they make really spicy food which i can’t eat, and i end up throwing it away (this has been going on since i was a kid). Also I’ve been to 5 different schools and I have to move again next year because my parents think they can make me move schools so that they can pick me up easier, even though i have to leave my best friend and make new friends all over again. Also my parents always tell me i’m ugly and my hair looks like i haven’t showered in three weeks, but i shower everyday and try my hardest to look good. My parents yell and ground me for life. They don’t allow me to text my friends and i don’t know why either. If I try talk to them calmly, they yell at me and tell me that they will never do anything for me if i’m so ungrateful, and i think to myself ‘you never do anything anyway’. And since i’m not allowed to go places by myself i cant go to therapy without them knowing, and they obviously wont ever allow family therapy. I want to run away but that’s not going to work, and I’ve thought about suicide but I know people who really love me like my best friend and my grandma would be hurt. When I was a baby until I was a toddler my parents left me with my grandma while they went traveling separately, so that’s why I think they never really got to bond with me as a baby so they never learned to love me.

    • Hi Ainee,

      I’m so sorry you’re in such a hard situation with your family right now. I really do believe that if your parents could hear you, if they could hear how much pain you’re in, they might want to shift some of the things that are happening at home. If you are unable to go to therapy, I believe that you need to find another trustworthy adult who can be helpful to you (teacher, school social worker, school psychologist, pastor, etc.). Maybe one of these adults will be able to help you get the help you need.

      Please reach out and get the support from these adults and from the people who love you (your grandma and best friend).

      I hope this is helpful. Please know that you are loved and that you have a beautiful and long life ahead of you.

      Warmly,
      megan

  17. I don’t know what to say but today is a special day In My country like Christmas in Europe where families should unite and have good times together, so in the morning I woke up at 9 and when I went to the family room , I found that my parents have already finished breakfast and the dishes are waiting for me to wash them cuz I usually of this , but later I was joking and complaining when my “mom” started yelling and telling me to go to my room , now I’m writing this alone in the house cuz they went out with my sister to have dinner in some restaurant …. This is not the first time but they always treat me this way cuz I had problems in math last year and I’m not a perfect child in thier noble family , they tell me that I’m fat and short ( I’m 5’4) , I started attending a new school this year. so ,I don’t have best friend and had one jerk boyfriend 1 year ago ( we lasted for only 2weeks) , I have step brothers who only care about thier wives and girlfriends and money , I started considering moving abroad when I’m legal (I’m 16) …… I wish you could help me cuz I feel so small and worthless right now … Bye

    • Hi Norah,

      It seems like you feel left out and alone. Can you calmly tell your parents about some instances that have hurt you? It sounds like they need to know about how hurt you are (NOT during a fight). If you have tried to calmly talk with them and have not made progress, then I suggest talking with a trusted adult to see if they can help you.

      I hope this helps.

      Take care. You only have two years until you get to live as you wish! Please remember that!
      megan

  18. I really need advice and help. My mum hates me, she found porn on my laptop from a few years back. She thinks I’m a lesbian and even called my best friend ‘bent’. Dad is the only one being nice to me, he’s tried to talk to mum and tried to get her to talk to me but nothing works. She said she feels sick when she sees me. Name calling is so bad i can’t write it :/ I’m 17 years old, surely I’m old enough to make my own choices? I’m 18 in December and i want to do my own thing but I’m scared mum won’t let me. She’s banned me from going out in the evenings and said I’m not allowed to see my best mate, i can’t live like this. I want to run away and i have had anorexia in the past and I’m afraid something like this will trigger it again. I just wish mum could see how much she’s hurting me and understand how far she’s gone.. what do i do? 🙁

    • Hi Siobhan,

      Turning 18 and living with your parents is complicated. It seems as if we should have many more freedoms, because we’re adults, but then parents are still paying for everything, etc. which results in their being able to control things until you move out. I know this is hard, but it tends to be how it is. If you aren’t going to move out in December, I suggest starting to work with a therapist or counselor. Perhaps your mom will be able to hear you with another adult in the room.

      Wishing you well,
      megan

  19. My parents continually yell at me for not having good grades, yelling back at them when they scream at me…. Last night they had a talk with me about what I wanted to do for the rest of high school (even though I’m a freshman) and instead of being supportive and helpful they just yelled at me and made me feel like I wanted to die, they never accepted that I wanted to become successful, rich or happy. My father (or the man who I call my father, I don’t know or care any more) wouldn’t let me out of the room until I told him the “truth” and what he accepted as the truth was that I wanted to work at a Mcdonalds and serve all of my friends who go on to become rich and successful and let them treat me like crap. I don’t really care about this any more, my life was happier without them. At school at least I can relax. But when I come back after school from soccer, I don’t feel like going home. I end up hurrying into my room and pretending I’m not there. Now they’ve taken away my rides to school, my packed lunch, and all because of grades. I don’t even know if writing here will help me. I’ll probably never come back to this page again so what’s the point? This can’t help me. And neither can counseling or that crap. Oh, believe me, it’s failed. It has. And now my mother (again, the woman I call my mother) just came into my room, shut off the lights, and opened the curtains so it wouldn’t waste electricity. Tell me that’s not heartless. Tell me. All those people out there who say life is full of good things are wrong. But don’t get me wrong, I’ve never believed in suicide. I just get really depressed and apathetic.

    • Hi Logan,

      I can tell that you’re super mad. Sounds like you have reason to be. Maybe therapy has failed you (you’re right; it doesn’t always “work”). The way I see it, you have a few options: Keep fighting with them like this (which will likely make everything escalate), or find a way to make changes with them. Parents generally love their kids enough to make changes, but sometimes they’re just as lost about how to help as you are about how to deal with them. If you don’t want to see a counselor for help, can you think of any other kind of person who could help? Maybe a pastor if they go to church, a coach (if you have a good soccer coach who helps with more than soccer), umm…. others?

      I hope this helps, Logan.

      Thinking of you,
      megan

  20. Is it wrong to think my whole life’s meant to make them feel bad? I mean, I still love them for some reason, and I don’t know why! I want to do something to make them feel bad, but then I don’t because I still feel… Whatever. Point is, I still love them and I don’t like that. I’ve wanted to hate them but I can’t. I just end up regretting it

  21. I’m 13 and my stepdad yells at me whenever he gets the chance to. I don’t even do anything to make him yell at me. When he does yell he’ll get mad at me for yelling back. But I only yell back at him because a.) he yelled at me first and b.) I’m just trying to defend myself. I have four younger step sisters who treat me the same way he does. My mom recently has stopped trying to fix the problem each time and take his side. She basically let him take over. He gets the say in everything. If I want to hang with my friends it’s an automatic no. He takes my phone/iPod away for absolutely no reason. The main problem is him and my sisters. What really upsets me is that my mom doesn’t even try. She just goes with what he says and gets nervous when I ask her if I can do something and he’s not home. I sick and tired of being treated poorly to the point where I would be willing to run away or die. I’ve never cut but someday I might. What should I do?

    • Hi Hailsy,

      I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone at home right now. If it is possible, it sounds like a private conversation with your mom might be a good thing. If you tell her that you’re really struggling emotionally and that you are very unhappy, my hope is that she will be willing/able to get you some help. Down the road, it will likely benefit you and your family to do some family therapy (EEK! I know teens hate that term: FAMILY THERAPY… but really, it could help you guys). It would not have to be a really long therapy or anything, just something to help your mom and stepdad figure out the right structure, etc. at home.

      I hope this helps you.

      megan

  22. my parents are losers, they call me lazy when i try really hard. i really do and this hurts because no matter what I do i will never be good enough. I’ll never get rid of this name and i know it, even if i work myself to death.. u c i live in a huge house and my parents are psychotic with the whole cleaning thing. we even have 2 maids and my mom says I’m not pulling my weight.. anywhere in school, at home, in life, nowhere… i live in the shadow of my older brother who is just perfect in their eyes and I can understand why. my brother is amazing even though he is lazy and is a slob. My parents are always cleaning up after him, even i clean up after him cos for some reason I don’t want him to get in trouble (even though I know that will never happen). I take the blame for most things and he always seems to blame everything on me and i refuse to fight back because then I’ll be blowing a big deal out of “nothing”. my parents don’t like me… they may love me but they dont like me at all. my brother was diagnosed with a hyperactive thing when he was younger so he fails basically…. but since i wasn’t taken to a child specialist when i was younger (now 15) i dont have a problem. its like im holding the burden of expectations and dreams they wanted to live through my brother and the ones they want to live through me… I thnk I’m ADD but who cares right.. honestly i break down everyday and I don’t know what to do anymore.. I don’t sleep at night because who can sleep with knowing their disappointing their parents? i love them i really do.. they’re my parents and i get food, shelter and clothing from them.. I’m just tired for being called lazy when i try to the best of my abilities.. I pray to God everyday for the verbal abuse to stop and the loneliness, the sanctions since I’m not allowed to go anywhere, I can’t imagine carrying like this. I’m frustrated… I can’t eat and I’ve lost 5kg already! please help me… what can I do?

    • Hi anchor,

      I’m so sorry you feel so isolated, unappreciated, and misunderstood. It seems to me that you and your parents need to find a way to sit down and speak directly with one another (using honesty) WITHOUT fighting. If there is a way to do this on your own, then this would be a good option. A few of my other posts address how to talk with your parents without fighting, etc. so check those posts out. If talking with them alone is not an option, I suggest asking your parents for help. Let them know that you have some things you would like to work out with a therapist or school counselor. Work with the counselor on how to get through to your parents. Most parents will really care if they can hear how you’re feeling. Maybe your parents don’t like you right now, or at least that’s how you feel, but they love you and probably don’t want you to get hurt.

      I hope you can find a way to talk with them about this. You all deserve some peace.

      Thinking of you,
      megan

  23. Theres a girl at my school. She suffers from umm I dont know well she stays with her grandparents and they hate her. For some reason since birth they despised her. They do not allow her to do anything not even go to see her mother in the hospital. This girl is hurt. After all the years of verbal abuse she became angry I guess and decided to talk back and do drugs and other stupid things. I love this girl and I worry about her alot and I want to know what I can do. Therapy isnt an option in this case cause her grandparents probly wont attend or let her go anyway

    • Hi Joshua,

      Thank you for your concern for this girl. I love that you are concerned about her… your heart is in the right place. Is it possible to talk with one of the school counselors to see if they are able to help at all? If not, what about a teacher at school? Maybe some of the adults at school will be able to help get her the help or be the help that she needs.

      Again, thank you for looking out for her. You are a great person.
      megan

  24. Why do my parents ignore me?
    My step mom used to care about me but for the last few years
    she and my dad has been ignoring me and even getting angry with
    me if I persist, trying to be heard.

    I understand that she’s young (22) but she’s a good mother to my little
    brother, in fact, she’s obsessed with him. I’ve tried really hard to be a
    good daughter for her. I clean the whole house, do the yard work, take
    care of the animals, study hard, am respectful, and even ask every day
    if there is something she needs.

    I’m home schooled, don’t have any friends and never go out, so it hurts
    a bit when I see them laughing, playing games and having fun when I can’t
    be included. I’ve tried suggesting family activities but they aren’t interested.

    If I need help with something or am looking for something they say there’s
    nothing they can do or that they don’t know but if they have the same problem, they instantly have a solution.

    Whenever I try to talk to them they just act as if they didn’t hear me and walk away. I can tell they hear me because sometimes they will glance at me and stop talking but when I’m finished they will go on as if I hadn’t said anything.
    They will begin talking in the middle of my sentence and then get angry at me for ‘interrupting’ them.

    I’ve pretty much given up trying to get them to hear me, I want to know how I can better accept it.

    Thank you.

    • Hi Hanna,

      I’m so sorry that you’re trying so hard and that your dad and step mom are not responding to you. If you are working to accept the idea that it is not possible to shift these dynamics, I believe you will need support. I hope you have a friend who can understand what you are going through, or a trusted adult, therapist, school counselor, etc.

      Hanna, you deserve to be loved and responded to. I wish you all the best.

      Thinking of you,
      megan

  25. Hi there Megan
    Reading this page has made me feel a lot less sorry for myself, but I’ll still hope you answer me even though I don’t have scary issues like most of these girls.

    I’ve written an epistle, I realize. And I know you probably do this in your free time and I’m sorry to waste it. I think getting an IRL therapist is out of the question for my parents and the only progress to be made is interpersonally. Perhaps there are some books or sites you could point me to that will cover similar/same issues? Thanks.

    19 yo, girl.

    I have always (since 6-7) felt a disconnect from my mother. I feel like we just don’t see the world the same way and while I can observe and understand things from her view, she is incapable of understanding me or mine. Growing up my father and I often had great intellectual conversations (and we still do) and a personality connection, but I feel we also are slowly being cut off from eachother. Emotions are ambiguous and frustrating to me, and often when I try to discuss issues I have a hard time communicating them/get overwhelmed by them and they come out very strongly (sobbing, screaming in anger, use of stronger words than I actually feel). I know they love me and I do love them (especially my dad) but I just feel like it’s all for naught and we will always have ongoing conflict.

    My mom is a visionary and always has a laundry list of things to do. My 3 brothers and I have always been utilized to help her achieve her goals (cleaning, yard work, preparing for parties, etc.). This wouldn’t be bad at all, really, but my brothers and I have always rebelled (more strongly the last 5~ years, as we get older) because I think they all feel the disconnect as well. We aren’t invested in the vision and we react because our own interpersonal needs aren’t being met. One instance that I have been thinking sbout especially is a time 3-4 years ago when my parents stayed home (my mom’s decision) from a Christmas church banquet/play/choir that I was part of so they could spend the time with their grandkids (I have older sisters who have families). My mom’s reasoning was that my sis was moving to Hawaii indefinitely and my parents wouldn’t get to see them. My mom was like “That’s okay with you, right?”. What was I supposed to say?! I’m not assertive. If you know much about personality theory, I’m an ISFP and measure very low on assertiveness. After the fact I realized how much it hurt me for them to choose their grandkids over me. My mom’s reasoning ended up being obsolete, as they went on a trip and visited them/they came back and visited us for the holidays and now they have moved back and live 1 neighborhood over.

    When I say interpersonal needs aren’t being met, I mean emotional relation, interest in our interests simply because we’re interested in things, willingness to understand/learn to understand, that kind of thing. My dad works but does spend evenings “with us” (i.e. In the familly/living room, but we’re usually all absorbed in electronics or books. I will sit in the room with him and talk but it’s always about safe/nonemotional topics.) My mom is usually in and out of the house all day, running errands and working on her latest projects. (Right now the project is buying a house for a ministry they run.) She’ll get home and make dinner, then be exhausted and around 7-8 go watch tv in her room. In the end, they don’t observe/are oblivious to emotional/relational needs and therefore don’t make time for them.

    Conflicts:
    Cleaning room
    Getting a job
    “Helping”
    Dating

    My parents have been trying to get me to clean my room consistently for years. I have not done this since I was little, and I can’t understand why they won’t let it go. My room is an extension of my person, and I feel fine if it is messy. My drawers, shelves, and closet are all meticulously maintained, it’s just random stuff on my floor and surfaces- a mix of stuff that just hasn’t been put away and stuff that I don’t know what to do with/want. No one else uses my room unless we have guests over. (Which I clean it meticulously for). It should be MY prerogative, especially as I’m older, to order my room as I like it since no one else uses it.

    After searching for a job last August- heading into my freshman year, I found a receptionist position that looked great. I worked there for 6 months and for the first time in non-math classes I got B’s. (2 A’s, 2 B’s). (And it’s not because college is harder, as I had taken a full semester of college work the spring before, as a senior. I got 4 A’s.) After I lost my job (they didn’t need the position, in the end I would sit around for 95% of my day, doing nothing.) I got depressed and gave up on a class and got an F. My other classes were B’s. My mom has been badgering me to get a job since I lost it in January. I have put out hundreds of apps but unemployment is high in my area and there just aren’t a lot of jobs. I want to sell some silver I have and use the money to tide me over until next semester when I have a lighter course load, which my dad thinks is fine but my mom says “You need something that isn’t school to get you out of the house for a few hours here and there” well thanks but no thanks, I’m taking 18 units and going to a youth group already and don’t want to try to study around a work schedule. It would exhaust me. She just can’t understand. I don’t know how to make her understand.

    Helping in the kitchen/housework, like cleaning my room, is another constant issue. My parents *say* they would like me to help make meals more, but unless I’m doing the basics like salad, setting the table, or chopping something I feel like I always do it wrong or too slowly. My mom has no patience for me to help her in the kitchen but she doesn’t even realize that. She will give me a job and then take it over when I haven’t finished. Instead of just giving me time they just think I’m lazy and selfish. I just don’t want to fail constantly, so I don’t partake in situations where I know I will fail… I avoid helping with dinner as much as possible.

    Dating is a recent thing, but all the elements of our issues manifest themselves yet again. Over control, like with my bedroom. Not being observant or even asking about what I want to do. Rules are made according to their systems and values– which I agree with in other facets of life, like worldview/religion. We all have traditional views on dating and I will be a virgin when I marry/etc. A guy who I really really like asked if he could date me. After a lot of “discussion” they basically said he has to be done with college. That’s two years away. I’m not saying that I can’t wait that long, I just think it’s unreasonable because now if we end up dating and then break up, one/both of us is probably going to be hurt much more deeply than we would if we had just dated already and figured out if we could commit to eachother on our own. To me, it seems like I have to be exclusive emotionally or else I’m cheating, even though no promises have been made and it’s *technically* just a period of friendship. So if I spend these two years thinking we might date and then nothing happens I will be hurt. (I’m already hurt because he’s distanced himself a bit, probably because he didn’t want to get too attached with such a long timeframe either.) And if we get there and I’m interested in someone else, I’ll hurt him. This is a no win scenario UNLESS we get together and stay together! If we drift apart and both are equally unattached, it would almost be a relief because then I wouldn’t feel so loyal to an idea/not hurting anyone and I would hopefully understand my own emotions about it too. I feel like my parents don’t understand this. Again, I don’t know how to make them understand.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    • Hello and thanks for writing,

      You have written a beautiful message, and my answer is going to seem too simple (because it is online). That is because I feel you would best work this out by taking part in your own (individual) therapy. You are writing about things that have happened that have hurt you, and I am sorry that it seems that your mom has been too busy to prioritize your needs. That being said, because you are a young adult, the things you are wanting to change (clean room, dating, etc.) are best changed when living independently. You are differentiating from your parents, which is developmentally appropriate at your age. It is going to be very difficult (especially without therapy) to fix this with your parents. Usually the best thing to do is to find a way to move out so that you can completely begin living your adult life.

      I am sorry this answer is so simplified. Without having you in therapy (so that I can fully understand all of the dynamics) it is difficult to respond. I hope this helps in some way so that you can move through the pain you currently feel.

      Warmly,
      megan

  26. My mom and everyone else I know (or almost everyone) hates me. I have two counselors (well I used to have two one of the is a b*tch so I’m not going with her anymore). I’m getting called a liar because I don’t like telling people things except my friends because I have told them personal things and they haven’t told. Everyone says talk to a trusted teacher or counselor. Well my school has counselors but I hate asking for “help” from adults that I don’t trust. I have a personal counselor but there are things I don’t even tell her. There was one teacher who knew probably everything about me but now the Sociol worker and guidance counselor said I can’t talk to her about personal things. Then the only people who I have are my friends and that’s a lot of pressure on 13 year old girls. So this all is exactly why I think everyone (almost everyone) hates me 😢

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