How to Nurture your Teenager During Conflict
My Teenager Hates Me – Part 2
Being a parent is challenging. One day you have a beautiful baby who is the center of your universe, and then your baby grows into a teenager who you might not recognize. You may be asking yourself, “where did this argumentative young person come from?” Many parents of teens come into our office feeling hopeless. Parents are unsure if they did something wrong, and feel that they can’t understand their teen.
Well, good news! Teenagers are designed to oppose their parents. Adolescence is all about teenagers finding their identity (separating from their parents) which leads them to challenge the main source of authority, their parents.
Teenage years are filled with extreme highs and lows. This highly emotionally charged period of life is coupled by developmental changes and growth, surging hormones, and societal pressures. Teens are trying to navigate the waters of their new body, new feelings and emotions they have on things they thought they once understood.
Five things a parent can do to help their teen through this time:
All teens need guidance. Their inability to consider consequences and fully engage in future thinking, means they need their parents to do that for them. Part of a parent’s job is to keep their teen safe from harm and guide them to become the best person they can be. To be clear, we are not recommending that you helicopter. Ask your teen questions, let them make mistakes, talk with them a lot (note: do not lecture them) and you are on your way to properly guiding them!
Keep perspective. This too shall pass. The attitude your teen is presenting (and their need to challenge you) will subside. Don’t let these battles become wars, find ways to keep perspective on the situation, and soon their emotions will fade. Find out what is important to your teen and learn how to negotiate so you can support them in the independence but also keep them safe. Get external support if you need it.
Validate your teenager’s emotions and let them know that you hear them and care about how they feel. Most teens don’t like to hear you say that you “get it,” so drop that if it is an irritation to your teen. Although these emotions may not make sense to you, there is merit to your teen’s feelings and validating the feelings allows the teenager to feel that you care for them.
This goes without saying, but love your teen unconditionally. Although they may scream, “I hate you!” and respond with one or two-word responses, know in your heart that they need you and love you too. Sometimes expressing this is difficult (if your teen is really argumentative) but try to get past your hurt and continue to communicate your love to them. Again, get external support if you need it.
Your teen needs you to be the adult. If your teen is irrational and yells, things will only get worse if you start to act the same way. Be aware of how you respond, how your physical posture (non-verbals) comes across, and what the tone of your voice communicates. If you feel that you are unable to stay calm, state that you will continue this conversation later and walk away until you are able to manage your emotions properly. If this dynamic is not pretty and tends to not resolve itself well with you and your teen, either your and/or your teen might need help with emotion regulation skills.
Good luck, parents! Let us know how things go!
This blog was written by Rachel Samuelson and Megan Sigmon-Olsen, M.S.W., LICSW